tploy.com

 A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said,  "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

 His buddy said, "I have an  idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did.

 The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

 "Yes, I did," said the fellow.

 "Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

 "Oh yes!  she jumped up , thanked me,  kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

 Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped Into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

 At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

 "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts. "Ah want you to masturbate."

 "But......," stammers the driver.

 "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"

 So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

 "Right!" snarls the highlander. "Du it again!"

 "But.....," says the driver. 

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

The day came, they sat down and started coding. Jesus invoked his favorite editor, emacs. Satan fired up edt. They coded furiously for 50 minutes, then the power failed. It comes back on a minute later, and they both rebooted their systems and started typing again.

When the hour was up, God asked them to stop. He asked Satan to show him his work. Satan complained bitterly about the power outage and had nothing useful to show for his work. God turned to Jesus, who had completed his task, and demonstrated it for all to see. Satan was outraged and asked how this could be.

God smiled and said, "Surely everyone knows that Jesus saves".

 A man takes his wife to the stock show. They head down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

 The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 65 times last year."

 The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

 The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."

 The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."