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One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense.

I used to live with five straight guys and — ew, the cleaning schedule was ‘nope.’

Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can’t remember where she lives. She’s like, ‘That’s not it, that’s not it, that’s not it.’

I’ve been freakishly skinny my entire life because there’s a hole in my butt.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”

The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”

The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

I have this thing that I do called ‘Mysteries of the Universe,’ when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy — location, location, location.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I don’t think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?

A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You don’t know when it’s going to come, how many inches you’ll get or how long it’ll last.

To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that’s humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherf**ker doing it.

Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.

There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it’s impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that’s true. ‘Cause you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.

Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do. Want to climb mountains. It’s right there, you ain’t got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Northern Alabama because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

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Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.

(Wait for it. It's worth it)…

AFTER Tweety is caught, scroll down or click on the link…

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 One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

 Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

 About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

 Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

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