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So they ask me, ‘Would you like to answer your secret security password question?’ I think, ‘Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me.’

I got a trophy wife. I know that’s not right to say, ’cause if you’re married that’s your trophy. I’m just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, ’cause no matter how I look at you it’s the wrong way.

Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don’t even talk about sex. It’s just like: ‘Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We’ll take a look at your magic baby door.’

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume — ’cause if you’ve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don’t grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason — all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Halloween not only stays fun, but gets funner — if that’s a word. Like, Halloween when you’re a kid, you dress up in a costume: free candy. You grow up, dress up in a costume: drunk as balls. It’s awesome

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I say to my son, ‘What are you going to be for Halloween?’ He goes, ‘I’m going to be Frankenstein.’ And I say, ‘OK.’ Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he’s got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green…. I say, ‘What are you supposed to be?’ He goes, ‘I’m Frankenstein!’ I said, ‘No, you’re not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It’s a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.’

We couldn’t afford no Halloween costumes — eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didn’t know what we were — ‘I don’t know what we are. I don’t know. She didn’t tell us. I think we UPS? I don’t know.’

There’s no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn’t make financial sense. It’s not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost — like, a penny and a half? An apple’s like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They’re so expensive, they don’t even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I’m trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls’ costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career — such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun — and turn her into a whore.

I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; it’s pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: ‘Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed.’

A lot of double standards in Los Angeles. Like if a girl goes out, sleeps with a bunch of dudes, she’s considered a slut. But if a guy does it, he’s considered a homosexual. That’s messed up.

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. — not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I’m in my car, and he gets out — he’s sweating, he’s got these little shorts on. ‘You know how fast you were going?’ ‘Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.’

I love my children as much as anybody in here. I let them watch TV and stuff — when I let them out of the shed.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel’s. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I’m saying? Because on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants.

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex. Because, number one, what if I know the guy?

Having a gun, let’s face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a woman’s face, chances are she’ll call the cops.

I’m single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she’s been about getting in touch with me.