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 A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

 One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

 The child told her Mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

 The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

 A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." 

 One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

 So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

 So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, that  means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

 Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

 Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

 To which grinned and he replied, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

 Little Red Riding Hood was walking trough the forest one day, when she ran into the Three Little Pigs.

 "Little Red Riding Hood,beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for you!" they said. "He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"

 Little Red Riding Hood nods her head and says, "That's ok." and continues on her way.

 A little while later Smokey the Bear comes up to her and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for you! He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"

 Again she nods her head and says, "I'm not worried." and continues on her way.

 Well she walk on a ways, and soon the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, beware! I've been waiting for you. Now I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"

 Very calmly Little Red Riding Hood goes into her basket and pulls out a 357 magnum. Points it straight between the wolf's eyes and says, "No your not! Your gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties, and eat me like the story says!"

Comprehending Engineers – Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers – Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbour came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe.

 The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment.

 They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. "What do you think my best feature is?"

 Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears."

 "What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?"

 "Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!"

 A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said,  "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

 His buddy said, "I have an  idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did.

 The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

 "Yes, I did," said the fellow.

 "Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

 "Oh yes!  she jumped up , thanked me,  kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

 Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped Into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

 At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

 "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts. "Ah want you to masturbate."

 "But......," stammers the driver.

 "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"

 So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

 "Right!" snarls the highlander. "Du it again!"

 "But.....," says the driver. 

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

The day came, they sat down and started coding. Jesus invoked his favorite editor, emacs. Satan fired up edt. They coded furiously for 50 minutes, then the power failed. It comes back on a minute later, and they both rebooted their systems and started typing again.

When the hour was up, God asked them to stop. He asked Satan to show him his work. Satan complained bitterly about the power outage and had nothing useful to show for his work. God turned to Jesus, who had completed his task, and demonstrated it for all to see. Satan was outraged and asked how this could be.

God smiled and said, "Surely everyone knows that Jesus saves".

 A man takes his wife to the stock show. They head down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

 The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 65 times last year."

 The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

 The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."

 The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

 "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

 So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

 That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

 Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.

 He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a

lawyer.  5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better.

 A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

 RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP 2. WON'T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

 For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

 Then one day the doorbell rang yet again.  She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

 "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams.  I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

 The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

 To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.

 In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

 One day, as they drove along, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

 He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

 He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

 Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

 "Go up to the road and get help," he said.

 "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

 The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

 "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

 Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

 "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

 The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

 Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

 I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a  meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

 She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

 She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

 Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

 "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

 There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

 Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

 She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

 Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

 With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

 The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true.

 He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car.

 He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.

 They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. 

 The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked.

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

 The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

 While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 "Now what?" asks the patron.

 "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"