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The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, ‘What do you want to go to a strip club for? I’ll strip for you.’ I was like, ‘How great is that? I guess I’ll just tell my friends to come over here.’

You’ve got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? … Shouldn’t they at least call it defibrillnow?

I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, ‘Here’s what’s waiting for you at home, big boy.’ If I was to do a ‘here’s what’s waiting for you at home’ photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina’s not waiting for you at home at all.

People that put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.’

I went to my father. I said, ‘Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?’ ‘Buy? I’ll make you some damn roller skates.’ Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap ass didn’t even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch.

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. ‘Cause I’m plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn’t I get to open this year?

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. ‘Cause I’m plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn’t I get to open this year?

You know what my uncle gets me every year for Christmas? Scratch tickets. Thanks for making the decision to gamble away my Christmas gift for me.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, ‘Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.’ You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine — because I got her an Xbox.

I don’t drink, and I don’t do drugs, but I’ll take a pill. I’ll take any pill, you know what I mean? ‘Cause pills can’t hurt me! ‘Cause they’re made by companies.

She says to me during the act of lovemaking, ‘Hey Daniel, what’s it like having sex with a condom on?’ And I’m like, ‘How should I know?’

If you’re drinking champagne at 8 a.m. you’re an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice it’s just an early brunch.

When a woman has an orgasm, it’s like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It’s awesome. Even other women are like, ‘Aw, she’s having a nice time; that’s cool.’ When a guy has an orgasm, it’s like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, you’re going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

You know you’re getting fat when you go to unbutton the top of your pants — and you already did it.

This area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? It’s true; I read it in Wikipedia. I mean I put it in there, but I read it right after.

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span — people we vote for — this is what they said, ‘I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can’t get back in.’ And I went, ‘Um, who’s gonna build it?’

You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when they’re an adult. ‘Nice haircut.’ ‘Screw you. What’s wrong with it?’