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My friend’s a Jehovah’s Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, ‘I either got ripped off or this is my first case.’

This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and she’s like, ‘Hey, you’ve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you?’ I never woke up at a party.

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if it’s long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.

I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.

You know what I’m great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word ‘trivial’ in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial — as in not important. Trivial — as in maybe you should’ve gone to grad school.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

They make that announcement, ‘If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.’ So, I grab the guy, I go, ‘Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they’re selling luggage inside the airport. I’m going to do another lap. I’ll let you know if I see anything.’

If something is inherently funny, it’s relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, ‘You had to be there,’ should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it’s not funny.

Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day… because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you for long. They’ll just be like, ‘Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look at that high waisted man. He got feminine hips.’ And I’m like, ‘No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about.’

Remember when you were a kid and they told you you shouldn’t drink? ‘Well you really shouldn’t drink; it won’t solve all your problems. You’re just going to forget about them for a little while.’ Alright, line ‘em up. Sounds good to me. It’s better than thinking about this all the time.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I’ve ever dated.

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it’s ‘just take it’?

The problem with vampires is they look like they’re 20, but they’re actually 100 years old. So you’ll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he’s doing the Charleston. Or you think he’s cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You’re like, ‘Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?’

I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, ‘Hey, that’s mine. Don’t pee on that.’

Doing comedy for the first time for me was very similar to losing my virginity. It was awkward, uncomfortable, but I did get a lot of laughs.

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

You think when gym teachers are younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know I want to teach, but I don’t want to read’?

My eye doctor told me this, I’m not making this up. He goes, ‘You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?’ ‘No, I didn’t know that.’ He goes, ‘It’s no big deal; it doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.’

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, ‘Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.’