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I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

This woman wouldn’t let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don’t bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I’m drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

My grandmother is older than the word ’supper.’

I was born in the Bahamas — Nassau, Bahamas. Yeah, came to the United States when I was one because I needed work.

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

I took a dump in a toilet with no water. I had to tell my friends, ‘Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park.’

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?’

I did a club one night — the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different at all. They’re both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.

Called somebody an ‘Indian giver’ recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.

I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, ‘Alcohol’s a drug.’ Not me, I call it a vitamin. ‘Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.

You ever look for the remote control, you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.’

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

I’ve got a three-year-old son. It’s like living with a crazy midget.

I guarantee, you’re gonna have to get out of your house. I know it’s your house and you bought it, but what you don’t realize is that’s her house, and she’s basically letting you live there while things are going OK.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics — I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life.

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, ‘What do you want to go to a strip club for? I’ll strip for you.’ I was like, ‘How great is that? I guess I’ll just tell my friends to come over here.’

You’ve got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? … Shouldn’t they at least call it defibrillnow?