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I used to work in an office, and when I worked in an office, I celebrated all the holidays — Cesar Chavez Day, Labor Day — just to get a day off of work. It could be KKK Day — ‘Do I get a day off of work?’

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint ’cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, ‘What’s that behind your ear? It’s a quarter!’

My supervisor — let’s call him Greenbean — said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.

She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That’s the weirdest thing. I was like, ‘Four grapes…’ To me grapes aren’t even a food. They’re like a palate cleanser. That’s what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.

I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably don’t know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and there’s, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure he’s not looking at your stuff, right? ‘Cause it’s yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know — that was weird. So, I kissed him.

I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably don’t know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and there’s, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure he’s not looking at your stuff, right? ‘Cause it’s yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know — that was weird. So, I kissed him.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. ‘I don’t understand, who’s that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don’t understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?’ Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, ‘I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife.’ And I was thinking, ‘I’m not doing that. I’m definitely not doing it.’ But I thought, why just say, ‘No! The hell with you!’ and get fired? That’s boring. Instead I said to him, ‘Yeah, OK. I’ll do it.’ Then, I didn’t do it, and he came up to me later: ‘Did you scrape the gum off the tables?’ I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure.’ And later, he comes up, he goes, ‘You didn’t scrape the gum off the tables?’ I’m like, ‘Ah! No. Damn.’ ‘Are you gonna do it?’ ‘Yeah, of course I’m gonna do it.’ Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.

We tell too much of our business. I don’t understand war. Why we tell everything we’re about to do? We’re running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don’t need that — all they do is watch the news, they see everything they need to see. They plan their strategy with the TV on and their maps out.

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I don’t know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell — oh, I’d skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that — ever. ‘Now when you’re nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why we’re not on it.’

They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don’t have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O’Donnell. They’re like, ‘Is she attractive?’

I told him, ‘You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I can’t have that.’ There’s no way I’m gonna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it — and then she gets to leave! I don’t think so, hooker. You’re gonna sit down and listen to him talk for half an hour.

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he’s hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, ‘If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’ And I was like, ‘Anywhere?’ He was like, ‘Anywhere.’ I was like, ‘Uh — to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.’

Women solve problems faster than men. Ever see a woman dial a wrong number? Operator tells her to check the number and dial again, she’ll check the number and dial again. There ain’t a man in this room that will check the number and dial again. We’re gonna dial the same damn number, only this time push the buttons a whole lot harder.